trust

trust is not a gift from sky above
trust is something one should earn
hard to get, easy to loose

recently, my friend told me that I was suspected asking and taking money from partner
which I did not
I felt mad, upset, sad, disappoint, all at the same time
mix feelings
head ache for two days

I felt like every thing that I've done so far was not appreciated at all
Instead, they accused me of things I did not do
and I had no single clue of this thing was coming
It's like I want to take control of every thing, because I'm expecting money out of this
If that person would like to take 9 out of 10 of my current tasks, I will be more than happy!

But what matters for me is my friend still believe in me
The rest, I will deal with it somehow

fed up

been so busy these past few days.
correction!
been so busy these past two months.
so busy that I have no time to read all emails carefully.
so busy that I missed one email, one that definitely could, should, and had been classified in "annoying bullshit" genre.

quoting him:
"......So let us manage the situation, better and stopping pointing fingers here and there..."

quiet jaw-dropping.

I'm so fed up with him.
Who has been pointing fingers at whom here??
Him or others?
Him or me?

I really need to control myself here.
I should not be carried away in his game, in his negative ways of thinking and judging others.

I wish I can talk to my adviser.
But I should not bother him no more.
The way he looked last night had stopped me to say anything about that.
It even stopped me from thinking of sharing it with him.

This whole issue has been really eating my nerve.
Hate it.
So much!

self control

this morning
I almost blew my head off
and some other people's as well

I hate pretenders
I hate hypocrites

I know that all of us should be able to pretend at some point
Sometimes one should pretend that life is okay so that one can continue his life
It's ok to pretend when it concerns you yourself only

I just can't stand it when people plays fool
Acts like "it's no big deal... consider it done!"
Yeah yeah... TALK TO MY HAND!!!

For more than 12 months, we've been trying so hard to get their attention on this case, and when it is about to come to a "chop-chop"...
somehow they can handle everything
somehow they have all the answers

And somehow
I am the evil kn evil
I am the one who screw things up *ups... I guess I used these words this morning*
If it is that easy for you to provide what we asked, WHY IN HELL WOULD WE EVER HAVE THIS MEETING, YOU STUPID JERKS?!!?

and then
for the hundreds time
I realize that I'm really really
R E A L L Y
not good at controlling myself

some friends said
"you should learn to be more patient"
"you should learn not to show your anger"

*sigh*

unfortunately
they are right